Panel Discussion

Bill: Hi, I'm Bill Maher.
This week, whistleblowers all over the world got a shot in the arm when Julia Roberts won the Academy Award for her portrayal of the real-life antipollution crusader Erin Brockovich.
Which is all good, except for one thing --
it's a lie.

[ Light laughter ]

Erin Brockovich is Eric Brockovich --
a man! And I'd like you to meet him right now.

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's right, and don't you forget it.
I'm Eric Brockovich, and that's my story that Julia Roberts stole to win her award.
And I thank you, Bill, wherever you are, for letting me get this off my chest, which has, by the way, been the butt of more jokes than my butt.

[ Laughter ]


[ Whistles ]

They're called testicles, America.
Are you enjoying the view?! Can I help you?! It's bad enough that miss Roberts took all of my characteristics, but that's what stardom does for ya.
Let me tell ya, when a bright, shining star like Miss Julia Roberts wants to play you like she wanted to play me, well, those corporate puppeteers up in Hollywood don't ask a lot of nosey questions about whether you got a penis or not.

[ Laughter ]

Same thing happened to poor Norman Rae.

[ Laughter ]

It's outrageous the crap that comes out of that town.
Holly weird, I call it.
I thought the water was bad, until I walked past the dumpster where they throw out all the old sitcom scripts.

[ Laughter ]

Now, I get the dry heaves every night around 9:00, when they run reruns of "Alf." This town and what it makes, that's what's poisoning our children.
Britney Spears --
I can't even imagine what ingredients are in that little whore.

[ Laughter ]


[ Cheers and applause ]

She looks like Olivia Newton "Jon Benet" Ramsey.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, excuse me, am I going to fast for you? Have you seen the E! Channel after midnight?
[ Laughter ]

Are you seeing the toxicity your kids are soaking in every day from MTV, HBO and CourtTV?
[ Laughter ]

The USA channel broke into two divisions this year --
one for movies about stranglin' hookers and one for movies about stabbin' them.

[ Laughter ]

I'm talking about an industry that, last year, dumped into the atmosphere over 2,000 metric tons of Steven Segal.

[ Laughter ]

You wonder why the air stinks out here? Have you ever seen "Battlefield Earth"?
[ Laughter ]

The other day, just to get to my car, I had to walk over broken bottles and discarded needles.
I was at Matthew Perry's house.

[ Laughter ]


[ Cheers and applause ]

Hollywood is feeding our children crap --
stale, regurgitated, mind-numbing crap --
that keeps them from thinking their own unique original thoughts and from achieving their precious individual destinies.
I know that's true 'cause I heard it on "Oprah."
[ Laughter ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the star of "Politically Incorrect" --
Bill Maher!
[ Applause ]


[ Cheers and applause ]

Bill: All right, let's meet our panel.

[ Applause ]

She is a national committee chairwoman of the Californian Republican Party --
wow --
and the chair of the Los Angeles County National Republican Hispanics --
Celeste Greig! Celeste?
[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome back to our show, young lady.

Celeste: Nice to be here again.

Bill: Thank you for having us.
She is the fine actress from last year's "Bring It On" and the new movie "The Brothers," in theaters everywhere, Gabrielle Union! Gabrielle!
[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey.

Gabrielle: How are you?

Bill: Thanks for coming back.
Appreciate it.

[ Applause ]

He is an accomplished stage actor and the testosterone in "Three Sisters," Tuesdays at 9:30 on another network --
David Alan Basche! David?
[ Cheers and applause ]

David: Hey, Bill.

Bill: Hey, how you doing? Thank you for coming.

David: Thank you.

Bill: And a very popular comedian, the comic actor from the movie "Stag" and "Barhopping" --
our pal John Henton, ladies and gentlemen!
[ Cheers and applause ]

John.

John: What a terrible monologue.
You're killing me.

[ Bill laughs ]

Bill: I don't know who that was, with the wig and the breasts hanging out.
What actor we got to play that.

[ Laughter ]

But I noticed that when I called Britney Spears a whore, there was a big applause break.

[ Laughter ]


[ Cheers and applause ]

Well, I'm not trying to say that she's a whore, but what I would like to say is that she --
you know, Erin Brockovich got a lot of flack for using her sexuality, you know, using her sexuality when it was convenient.
But really, it's Britney Spears who does that.
That's what bothers me about that little imp.

[ Laughter ]

Is that she uses it, and then she claims she's a virgin.

John: Well, that's the whole thing.
That's like her disclaimer.
"I'm this precious little virgin," but then you watch the commercial, and it's like Bob Dole's dog wants to bang her.

[ Laughter ]

You know what I mean?

Bill: Right.
Bob Dole and his dog.

John: Yeah.

Bill: Even old men and dogs want to have sex with Britney.

David: When they cut back to the Oscar ceremony, after seeing those Pepsi commercials, everybody was kind of dulled.
People's heads were stuck like this.

John: She can't be immune to the dynamic of 75 million grown men grinding their teeth every time they look at her.
I mean, she's obviously aware.

Gabrielle: My God, what's the problem?

Bill: What's the problem is that she's a hypocrite and a liar.
You know what? If you want to be --

Celeste: What makes her a hypocrite?

Bill: What makes her a hypocrite is because she's grinding --
she's giving a lap dance to America and then saying, "Ooh, God loves me for showing my body, and I'm a virgin."
[ Laughter ]

Gabrielle: If you show your body, that translates to sex?

Bill: Ye-ah.

[ Laughter ]

Gabrielle: No, no.

Bill: What do you mean, "No"?

Gabrielle: No, no, no.

David: He doesn't get out much.

Gabrielle: It's not like she's a stripper, you know what I mean?

Bill: It's exactly like she's a stripper!
[ Talking over each other ]

Bill: That is exactly what she is! She is a stripper!

Gabrielle: She's an entertainer selling records.

Bill: Records? If it wasn't for MTV, she wouldn't even be in the music industry.

[ Talking over each other ]

Bill: She sounds like a Chucky doll.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Please, don't talk to me about music.

Celeste: She is a talented young woman.
Now, what is wrong with her saying, "Okay, I'm talented, I'm sexy, and I'm a virgin"?

John: Okay, I'll tell you what the problem is.
My wife and I were walking through the mall, and we saw this woman in a very elegant business suit --
businesswoman on her lunch hour.
She's walking with her 14-year-old daughter, who's wearing a midriff shirt with her little baby fat hanging over her hip-hugger jeans, with her G-string pulled up above the jeans.

[ Audience groans ]

And my wife walked by and went, "I'm sorry, but your daughter is a whore!"
[ Laughter ]


[ Cheers and applause ]

I mean, you know, if it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck, it's a whore.

[ Laughter ]

Celeste: Aw.

David: No, I got to go with Gabrielle on this one.

Gabrielle: You can't hold Britney Spears responsible if you can't control your kid.
If a pop princess has more say-so in your house than you do, that sounds like a personal problem.

Bill: You're right, you're right.

David: It comes down to parenting.

[ Talking over each other ]

Bill: That's a different issue, the parents suck.
This is Britney Spears sucks.

[ Laughter ]

Both are true.

John: You watch --
you watch --
I mean I have nieces, and you watch them dancing and you just go, "This is inappropriate.
I have to leave the room."
[ Laughter ]

Bill: I mean, I just hate a lie.
I just hate a lie, and I hate a liar.
So I hate anyone who, like, presents themselves as one thing that they are really not.

Gabrielle: That's just business.

[ Talking over each other ]

David: Yeah, welcome to Hollywood, yeah.

Bill: No, no, no --

John: But sex sells, but printing something that is in direct contrast to what you claim to be --

Bill: That's right.

John: --
it's like saying, "Hey, look, I'm not racist, I just use racial epithets all the time.
That's not racist."
[ Laughter ]

Bill: Right.

David: She doesn't claim to be a nun.
She's not in a monastery.
She doesn't say that.
If someone wants to know whether she's had sex or not or whether she's a virgin --

John: Ask Justin Timberlake.

David: --
and the answer is no, and that's the answer.
But she is also an entertainer, and sex sells, however --

Bill: An entertainer?

David: Well, that's putting it strongly.

Bill: That is putting it very strongly.

[ Talking over each other ]

John: The only thing that's missing is the pole.

Gabrielle: No!

Celeste: Why are you opposed to her? Is it because here she's promoting something that is not cool anymore, being a virgin? Why is it that no one is complaining about Madonna?

John: Because Madonna is what she is! She doesn't pretend to be a Bible beater when she's putting out a book called, "Sex."
[ Laughter ]

Bill: Right.

John: She's the chick that's naked on the street, and she's cool with that.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Yes, right.

[ Applause ]

John: And I'm cool with that.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Right.

[ Applause ]

Madonna never said, "I'm not banging the NBA." She never claimed, "I'm not banging a lot of Cuban guys." She was, and she was proud of it.
And we love her for it.

[ Laughter ]

John: I think she did exclude the Vancouver Grizzlies.

Bill: But this girl --
first of all, she can't sing.
She can't dance.
She looks like she's taking karate lessons.

[ Laughter ]

That's her dancing.
She's, you know, just not talented.

[ Laughter ]

Celeste: You just hate her.

Bill: I do hate her.

[ Laughter ]


[ Cheers and applause ]

John: I don't hate her.
I just think it's hypocritical.
It's hypocritical to make money on an image that is based on sex but claim the absolute opposite.
I just find that hypocritical.

Gabrielle: All she claims is that she's a virgin, which is all she's saying is, "I do not have sex." She's not saying --

John: "I'm a tart."

Gabrielle: Yeah, she's --
it's not a crime to wear a half top and say, "But you know what? I'm not screwing every guy out there."

John: What if she wore a pinstriped suit and then slept with every sailor in the world? Is that, like --
Bill would hate her.

Bill: Now, we got into this last week.
I mentioned there used to be an ad in magazines that showed a girl from behind with a dress that was just below where her ass ended.
And it said, "This is not an invitation to rape." And that's true, it's not an invitation, but it's kind of a knock on the door.

[ Laughter ]

To take no responsibility for that is equally wrong.

David: Well, clearly, she can take responsibility and say, "I can wear what I want, but you know what? This is where I draw the line." She's been able to uphold her standards.

Celeste: I'm sorry, there is no excuse for rape regardless of what the woman wears.

[ Applause ]

Bill: All right, we got to take a commercial.
We'll be right back.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Announcer: Join us next week on "Politically Incorrect," as Bill goes back to high school with guests including "Malcolm in the Middle's" Frankie Muniz, "The man show's" Adam Carolla, from "The Sopranos," Jamie Lynn Sigler, and actress Gabby Hoffmann.

[ Applause ]

Bill: All right.
We were talking about pop culture, sort of, and what affects our kids.
Let me ask you about this.
Today, in the news, the NFL, the National Football league, has banned 'do rags, which are, you know, those skull caps that the players wear.
You see 'em on the sidelines when they take off their helmet.
It's mostly the black players.
They have these, you know, banda --
I think they look like lunch ladies.

[ Laughter ]

It's just a stocking, like, on their head.
The NFL --
interesting --
they said that the league considered the extra headwear "troublesome."
[ Light laughter ]

John: It's promoting lice, and that's a problem in the NFL.

Bill: You know, it's --
it's scaring white people.
Isn't this really what this is about, is that white people look at that and go, "That guy's not like me, and he looks like he's, you know --
"?

John: But it's underneath helmets!

Bill: Yeah, but you see 'em on the sideline.
They take the helmet off, and they got the 'do rag on.
And it's like, "Ooh, that's very not white."
[ Laughter ]

John: And I love the fact that Oakland was the only dissenting vote.
Oaktown, keepin' it real.

David: You know, Bill, I actually --
I brought my --

Bill: Yeah, that's one.

David: And I was gonna wear it in and --

[ Cheers and applause ]

Wait, I have to get a look.
Yeah, that's --
that's not white.
Not very white.
No, no, no.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: You look like a condom with that thing on.
It's terrible.

David: No, you're right.
You're right.

Celeste: I see a problem with the --
the NFL has rules and regulations, and so if the players don't like it, then why are they collecting these astronomical fees that they get? I think when you join an organization --

[ Applause ]

--
whether it is in corporate America or in a sport, you have to abide by the rules.
And if that's what they want, then by all means, remove it.

Bill: Really, any rule?

Gabrielle: No, wait.
Hold on.
Hold on.

John: Inherently, these guys wear a uniform.
So it would seem to me that --
you know, I mean, look at baseball.
These guys get in trouble if they're wearing the wrong color socks and, you know, if it's up too high.
And if they get long-sleeved shirts, they get fined.

Gabrielle: It was just instituted.
Like, they just passed it, like, yesterday.
My fiance plays for the raiders.
And he's not a 'do rag wearer, but there are a lot of the guys on the team that wear them.
A 'do rag is a hair accessory.
That's it.
The guys wear them --
the guys with the corn rows --
that's the new style, the corn rows --
and guys with waves wear them to keep their hair in place.
It's not a gang affiliation.

David: And that was the other thing they said.
They said it was gang related.

Gabrielle: It's not a bandanna.

[ All talking at once ]

John: I don't think you can wear rollers, either.
I mean --

[ Laughter ]

All hair accessories.

David: I think you can wear anything --
I think you can wear anything that actually won't injure anyone else.

Gabrielle: But what it is, is it's --
it's America --
it's trying to make America's sweethearts, which are these, you know, new breed of athletes --
the Allen Iversons, the Ray Lewises --
much more palatable for white consumption --

Bill: Exactly.

Gabrielle: --
to make them a little less scary in, you know, Davenport, Iowa.
And that's all it is.

John: Well, wait a second.
I mean, Allen Iverson has come under a lot of heat.
He's also the most popular player in the NBA.
If you look in any store that sells jerseys, they're going through Iverson jerseys like there's no tomorrow.
And as much as white America is terrified of him, they worship him.

Bill: That's kids who also listen to rap.
Exactly.
Black America provides the entertainment that kids, as in any day --
rock 'n' roll, that's what we did.
We liked what the black people were doing because it was cooler.
And we knew our dad was white and square and not fun.

David: Couldn't dance to it.

Bill: Right.
"I'd rather go black than be dad."
[ Laughter ]

What I was thinking when I was 14.
Allen Iverson's a good example.
I mean that's exactly what the NBA --
and I agree with you --
they're out to lunch on this.
Because I don't think people pay that much attention.
But that's what they're really up against.
And again, I just hate a liar.
Just say it.
"We don't like Allen Iverson, we don't like the 'do rags, 'cause he's got corn rows and tatoos and he looks like a thug." And the guy who's gonna buy an Isuzu is going, "Ooh."
[ Laughter ]

"He's not like me.
I can't be the tenth man with Allen."

David: They call them skull caps.
I think they're after all of the African-American Jewish players in the NFL.
There's a huge contingency.

[ Laughter ]

There's so many of them.
And they can't wear yarmulkes in gang colors.
And I think that's what it really --

John: I think they're voting on circumcision.

David: That's next.

Bill: I think they liked it when bald came into the NBA, because then the white guys at home, they're going bald anyway.
"I'm just like him."

John: There's always the holdout, you know?

Bill: All right.
I gotta take another break.
We'll be right back.

[ Applause ]


[ Cheers and applause ]

Bill: Okay.
Let me ask a little bit about immigration.
Now, Celeste, you're from Spain, right?

Celeste: That's right.

Bill: What do you think about this, that the courts have ruled out here that California must provide a free education for even illegal immigrants?

Celeste: It has not ruled yet.
I feel that it would be the simple choice for those who have been here part of the mainstream that came here to due process.
President Fox, from Mexico, just came last week.
He's a nice guy, I'm sure.
And he got elected overwhelming.
But I don't think that he had the right to come and tell us what we should be doing.
I don't feel that it's --

Bill: But what does it take away from anyone else if a kid in this country, even if he's not legal, gets an education? I mean, he's not stealing facts from the other kids in the class.
It's not like those kids are going factless because the Mexicans stole.

Celeste: Education is --
education is priceless and is very expensive.
Ignorance is even worse.
However --

Bill: So why not give the illegal an education if he's here?

Gabrielle: 'Cause they're not going anywhere.

Celeste: No, no, no.
I'm sure --

[ All talking at once ]

Gabrielle: Yeah, but it's not like they're gonna go back.
They're here.
You know, why add more obstacles on the road to higher education? That doesn't make a lot of sense, because crime and being disenfranchised is bred out of a lack of opportunity.
In this country, opportunity is created, you know, by way of higher education.
And to create more obstacles on that path is ridiculous, because they're here.
They're not going anywhere.
Why --
why --

John: But don't you have to be a resident of the country before you can be a resident of the state?

Gabrielle: Well, no, but the people --
these are kids who've been here --
like, have gone through the California school system.
And now, at 18, they're trying to get into college, and they're now trying to pass a law saying that you have to pay out-of-state tuition.
Why make it even harder after they've paved --
you know, they've, you know, gone --

Bill: But you're right.
That is the conundrum here.
It is a legal right --
is what the courts are saying --
for an illegal person.

David: But most of the illegal immigrants in this country are not people without documentation.
They're people whose visas have expired.
That's an actual --

Bill: But the places that they're coming from are places we did actually steal to be part of America.

[ Applause ]

Celeste: What are you saying about stealing? Mexico --
did we steal from Mexico?

Bill: Of course we did.
Mexi --

Celeste: What did we --
what?

Bill: Texas, Arizona, New Mexico --
these all used to be --

Celeste: Oh, so are we gonna go back then? No? So are we going back to and talking about steal? We took it away, then, from Spain, because Spain originally owned all the Americas.

Bill: No.

Celeste: So they --

[ Laughter ]

John: How about those American Indians? Didn't they figure in there somehow? The American Indians? Didn't they have a piece of the pie at some point?
[ Laughter ]

Celeste: No.

[ Cheers and applause ]

John: I mean, I know they got that casino thing working for them.
And that's panning out well, but --

Celeste: We have a wonderful president.
I know you will not agree with me, but I feel very proud --

Bill: You mean that lying sack of horse manure, George Bush?
[ Cheers and applause ]

David: I was wondering when you were gonna get to that.

John: I think that's gonna be a tough sell on this panel.

Bill: Drinky McDumbass, are you talking about?
[ Laughter ]

Celeste: We have a president who has brought dignity and respect to the White House.

[ Cheers ]

Bill: Dignity?

John: Wow! You know what? Let's put a sign in front of the White House --
"You have to be smarter than the clown to ride the ride."
[ Laughter ]

Celeste: --
who feel that your child should be left behind.
And I agree that everyone deserves a good education.

Bill: Everyone deserves a good piece of air to breathe, also.

Celeste: We all should pay for it.
And if somebody comes here and breaks the law and doesn't come through the proper channels, I don't think that that person has the right to demand free education.
There's no such thing, a free lunch, especially right now, with the economy.
It costs --

Bill: A Spanish person is just a rich Mexican.
We all know that.

[ Audience oohs ]


[ Laughter ]

David: Don't hit him.
Don't hit him.
Don't do it.
I'm holdin' her back.
I'm holdin' her back.

Bill: But you have advantages --

[ Laughter ]

You have advantages these people don't.
Why should they not have a little piece of the pie?

David: Well, I think they have a little piece of the pie.
I'm with you on this one.
You know, I think that we kinda have enough trouble educating the kids that are in this country legally.
We really do, you know?
[ Applause ]

I don't think the answer is to give more taxpayer money to illegal immigrants.
I think the answer is, more taxpayer money to the educational system in general.

Bill: I have to take a break, 'cause I don't have the answers.
But if I did --

[ Cheers and applause ]


[ Applause ]

Bill: All right, next week, we have high school week.
Gonna find out what's goin' on with the kids.
Who better than me?